Planet of the Apes (first published July 2001)

As I've no doubt mentioned many times before, I got my break in to journalism through film reviewing. While it's always nice to support the good movies, it's a hell of a lot more fun to tear into the rubbish ones - doubly so when they have the sort of budget that Tim Burton clearly did for this bizarre attempt at the Apes story. Anyway, this remains, perhaps, the most sarcastic thing I've ever written which is probably saying something...

The assumption that Planet of the Apes, Tim Burton’s eagerly anticipated “reinterpretation” of the classic, will clean up at the box office means that the other distributors have left them to it and there’s nothing else on release this week. Okay, that’s not strictly true as there is a reissue of Aguirre: Wrath of God and a spot of Iranian neo-realism in A Time For Drunken Horses but hose turned on by such things wouldn’t touch Apes with a ten-foot proverbial anyway. For the popcorn eating, Coke-slurping, nacho-munching masses, Apes is where it’s at this weekend.

And, let’s be honest, it’s likely to be huge. The Apes legend, Tim Burton’s vision, Mark Wahlberg as  the heroic lead, Tim Roth. Helena Bonham-Carter et al in the most monkey-like of monkey suits… Release film, open floodgates, count the cash. The only flaw really – whisper it soft – is that Planet of the Apes isn’t terribly good.

Perhaps it’s that whole reinterpretation thing. Burton was adamant that his version wouldn’t just be a remake of the Charlton Heston classic but, instead, he would add his own spin to the story. That philosophy is fair enough – it’s just it would have been nice if, sometime during the production, someone had taken the director to one side and told him that his version makes no bleeding sense whatsoever.

Amazingly, given the incomprehension that greets the final scene, the two films are, basically, very similar. A spaceman crash lands on a planet where the apes rule and humans are in slavery. Said spaceman is captured, escapes and leas the humans in a battle against their captors. There’s a big twist. Roll end credits. Burton follows the formula and, as you’d expect, does it with no little style. The make-up, costumes and sets are amazing, the background details are original (including an ape-organ grinder with a little person in the traditional monkey role) and the apes’ blend of human and primate behaviour is incredible, becoming more ape like the more agitated they become. And then Burton goes and spoils it all with daft plot developments and his at-all-costs “reinterpretation” – and the film ultimately makes no bleeding sense whatsoever.

In the earlier version, the talkative Heston found himself on a planet where the humans were mute – a vocal take on the “in the Kingdom of the Blind…” idea. This ability to communicate immediately marked Heston out as a danger in a simple, but highly efficient, plot device. Burton though apparently knows better. Leo Davidson (Wahlberg) crashes on a planet where everybody talks – and yet he’s still marked out immediately as dangerous. How? Because he’s wearing proper clothes when everybody else is in fur? “Watch this one,” sneers the vicious General Thad (Tim Roth), “he’s dangerous.” Er, why? Because he can do buttons? Because he’s mastered the zip?

Anyway, Leo is captured and sold to Ari (Bonham Carter), an oddly attractive chimp who’s a senator’s daughter and a human rights activist. In his first night as a domestic, Leo has to help at a function for various, local hairy dignitaries. He’s then shut in a cage. He escapes, along with some of the other house-humans. “Careful,” warns one left voluntarily behind, “there’s a curfew for humans. You will be killed on sight.” Heeding these words, the escapees – plus the sympathetic Ari – make their way carefully, ducking into alleys, making as little noise as possible… and then forgetting the warning and running through the bedrooms of every hairy dignitary previously introduced. Short of a neon sign saying “Yoo Hoo! Escaping Humans!” and honking a horn at every step, they really couldn’t make their “secret” plans more obvious but, regardless, they make it out of Ape City, steal a few horses and ride into the night…

Leo’s communicator picks up a signal from an area the apes call Calima – the apes’ Holy Land, essentially – so the escapees head in that direction, pursued (presumably still really peeved by Leo’s grasp  of fasteners) and his army, Thade having convinced the senator that the humans have kidnapped Ari and must, therefore, be wiped out.

The humans arrive at the Temple of Calima and discover the “First Big Shock Twist” (a little obvious but pretty good – provided you don’t think about it for too long). Stumbling back into the sunshine, Leo is amazed to discover thousands of humans have suddenly appeared, drawn apparently by the news of Leo and his great deeds. What great deeds? He’s only been on the planet for a day-and-a-half. He’s ridden a horse. He can do buttons. Oh yes, that’s a great substitute for the democratic process…

Anyway, Thade’s army thunders into view – one of the film’s few genuinely jaw-dropping moments – and the two sides prepare to face off for the ultimate confrontation – not that you get any sense of importance from Burton, of course. Given the apes’ superior numbers and strength, things are looking pretty bleak for humankind.

Fortunately, Leo has a plan and pulls a trick out of the bag / temple before leading his new found subjects into battle. Well, I say leading, but there are no William Wallace-esque heroics for Leo: he’s more the stand-towards-the-back-somewhere-in-the-middle sort of “leader”. Still, seeing he’s in charge as a result of his sartorial abilities, the humans deserve all they get frankly.

Setback aside, the apes come steaming in for the kill, with Thade – clearly still thoroughly pissed that his chunky chimp fingers can only cope with the largest of toggles – making a beeline for Leo (“Fuck you and your tiny buttons.” Maybe) only stopping with the arrival of the “Second Big Shock Twist” (potentially daft but Burton just about gets away with it).

And then the problems really start to appear. The big climactic battle, like the rest of the film, never really gets going and the ending simply limps into view. This might explain then why Burton tries to salvage something with a “Third Big Shock Twist” right at the very end. Rumours abound that four different endings were shot and that this one was only added ten days before the first screening. God knows how bad the other three are then because the one they’ve used: a) is utter pants; and b) makes no bleeding sense whatsoever.

It appears to have been tacked on with an eye to a sequel and, apparently, by someone who didn’t bother to watch the rest of the film. It’s awful and utter, utter nonsense. There’s no doubt it’s impressively staged but, compared to that “Bugger me! It’s the Statue of Liberty!” moment in the original, it’s nothing.

From a performance point of view, things are fair to middling. Wahlberg has proved that he can be a charismatic lead but here he’s barely noticeable. The fault’s not his though: he’s just not given anything to do. Any actor would struggle against these odds. Model-turned-actress Estella Warren makes an appealing love interest but she’s given hardly anything to do either, and the “romance” between her and Wahlberg is half-hearted , to say the least. Burton tries to introduce a “triangle” between Wahlberg, Warren and Bonham-Carter which isn’t as offensive as the bestiality overtones suggest but is still a non-starter as it’s hard to imply jealousy when there’s been little-to-no sense of attraction.

Predictably it’s the actors playing apes who come out best. Bonham Carter is good in her underwritten role while Roth hams it up agreeably as Thade, chewing (and climbing) the scenery as the part demands. Their ape body language is pretty convincing too.

Ultimately though, it’s all in vain. Planet of the Apes runs for 120 minutes which should allow a bit of time for character development and some interesting subplots. But there’s nothing. Indeed, so little happens you’ll be hard pressed to see why it runs that long. Okay, it never drags – to give Burton some credit – but ironically it also feels rushed and is never as involving as you hope it’ll be. You want it to grab you by the collar, scream in your face for two hours, and throw you out on the street, exhilarated and gobsmacked. Instead, it eases you up, coughs apologetically for a while, and the gently lowers you back in your seat. Oh, and did we mention it makes no bleeding sense whatsoever?